Friday, 19 December 2014

What it feels like to have a down day

Today is one of my low days with my depression. Fortunately I seem to have more up days than down at the moment, but when days like this hit that doesn't seem to matter.


It's a struggle to do anything - I found it hard enough getting out of bed today, let alone getting some food or having a shower. My whole body seems to slow down and my brain just won't physically let me be motivated to do anything. I haven't been able to get dressed as it seems like too big an effort, and I have to build myself up for several minutes to do something really small. There is an ache in my chest - it almost feels like depression is a physical thing that is sitting on me - and the whole of my body is achey and tired. All I want to do is lie down and sleep, so that I can't feel the pain any longer.

I feel like bursting into tears at any random moment for no reason and my head is swimming with negative thoughts. I feel ugly, fat, worthless, hopeless - and most of all guilty for feeling like this when not much is wrong with my life. I feel like a burden on my friends and family and wonder whether they would be better off without me here. I also feel like a failure as I haven't yet been able to motivate myself to do something that I enjoy today, or even try to feel better.

I have no reason to be feeling like this today, apart from my Nan's funeral yesterday I guess. Sometimes the black dog just tries to drag you down, but deep down I always know that I can never give up. I know that my family and friends want me here really, and I know that I'm not worthless. I wish my mind would shut up for a few minutes today to let me think rationally, but who knows when it will stop? I am trying my best to fight it: clear my head and challenge my thoughts. But when your body won't even let you get out of bed, most other things feel too strenuous to even attempt.

Apologies if this post is really moany - I just wanted to write something when I feel down so that my readers get a bit of a glimpse into a depressed person's mind, however crazy it may seem. It's a really difficult thing to explain or contemplate, as if you haven't suffered from depression before you hopefully will never truly know how it feels. I think that depression is also quite a personal thing, as people experience it in different ways, so one person with depression may never completely comprehend how another feels.

I am seeing my counsellor later on so am hoping she will give me the bit of a kick I need. All I know is that I can't give up and hope that it will get better another day.

Never give up - there's always a tomorrow.



2 comments:

  1. This is something I struggle with alot, being diagnosed with depression and a panic/anxiety disorder. It's hard. It's so hard. But we have to try to hard to remember that we matter to the world and the people in it and that it will get better....even if it takes a little while.Thanks for posting this. <3

    XoXo
    Alyssa @ www.justanothermanicpixiedreamgirl.com

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    1. Thank you for your lovely comment Alyssa. It is really hard, but I do believe that we can get better like you said xoxo

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