Image courtesy of Hannah (hxanou)
Today has not been a great day for me. Something happened this morning that just completely made me doubt myself and everything that I have worked for over the past few years. It made me question whether I am a good person, and whether I am as strong as I thought. It made me quite upset and, I hate to say it, depressed too.
I've realised that I am actually quite frightened of my depression. I am frightened that it's going to come back, and how I will cope with it if it does. I'm frightened that it will completely take over my life again, and take away the amazing things that I have in my life at the moment (my friends, my upcoming job etc).
Because I'm so afraid of my depression, I am always hyper-aware of when I start to feel upset, and quite paranoid that it means that I'm going to go back to square one again. I am so in tune with my symptoms that I would hope that I would catch it early, before it started to really affect my life again.
The other thing that worried me today was that, for some reason, my depression always seems to come back around Easter time. I'm presuming it is a coincidence, but the last two times I had a proper relapse was just before Easter. Therefore I think I'm always slightly conscious of my mental health around this time of the year and I perhaps think about it more than I would any other time.
The other thing that is frightening and actually quite dangerous is that my depressive behaviour can sometimes be quite addictive, and when I become depressed it can be really, really hard to want to pull myself out of it again. I think because I had it for so long, I just became used to it and it became my safety blanket. Staying depressed was actually a whole lot easier than recovery, and although it felt horrendous, it was what I was used to and sometimes I didn't want it to go. Maybe that's why I had so many relapses, as sometimes being depressed was a whole lot easier than trying to fight it.
I'm feeling much better this evening after a cry on the phone to my mum and a chat with some of my friends (plus a few chocolate Hobnobs), and I know that I'm not going through a relapse, but it really is something that worries me when I have days like today. I'm just hoping that I'm now strong enough to battle through it if it does start to rear its ugly head again - I am definitely in a much better place to fight it now than I was a couple of years ago!
The broken will always be able to love harder than most. Once you've been in the dark, you learn to appreciate everything that shines.